This post is following a friend and fellow bloggers post, her writing inspired and moved me to attempt full honesty and confront the issues I have been trying to cope with for many years.
I want to start at the beginning, I was brought inti this world surrounded by stress. I almost died in the womb and then after 10 hours of trying, had to be delivered via Caesarian section as I was in complete distress. I was born into love, my parents loved and still love each other since the day they met in school. My brother and I always got along growing up and I had a steady, solid education.
I always had issue with ‘friendships’ though. I was always the loud, chubby girl who people would hang out with but everybody always used me. I would be talked about, bullied and told how worthless my existence was. This continued into high school, I went to a different one to all my old companions in the hopes to find a new group of friends, I did this but the same situations repeated themselves. I was excluded on purpose and people bullied me.
When I was 14, I started to hang out with a group of people I met on myspace. They were the year above me and were covered in piercings, hair dye and some even had tattoos. I finally felt like I fit in somewhere. They accepted me for just me and they actually took care of me.
Which brings me to the main issue I have with my fetish(s).
Then in June of 2008, still aged 14, I went for a walk with a man (aged 19) who said he was my ‘friend’. A statement that was never further from the truth.
I ran to my room, laid on my bedroom floor crying to the extent my parents returned home to find me having a panic attack. I didn’t tell them anything. I told a school friend who then told my teacher, who then called in my mum and told her. She shouted at me. She always shouted at me. My dad said nothing, he just hugged me all the time. She shouted. Everyday. when I tried to give my statement, when I went into therapy. She always shouted. I felt like it was my fault and the situation was completely bad because of me and me only.
My friends didn’t believe me. My mum didn’t. My boyfriend (mentioned above^) didn’t hence the break up. At points even I didn’t believe me, I was so convinced it was all my fault and I felt I should be punished so I would cut myself. I would slap myself across the face, I would punch my legs. I starved myself.
It was in 2010, after sleeping with many men I probably shouldn’t have that I had my first long term relationship, with a girl. I spent 16 months of my life being in love and it was incredible. But things started to fall apart with myself as I started to want to bring my fantasies into our sex life, I wanted her to pull my hair, I wanted a spanking and I wanted anal with our strap on. She was opposed to all of these.
I continued to sleep with men, one night stands mainly. Still crying when masturbating and still not being satisfied sexually. I developed an addiction to orgasm despite my problem when they finished. I watched BDSM porn all the time, even at college and just craved punishment.
I then created this blog in may 2012, I have never been so body confident after losing 3 stone and being told how desirable I was on here.
The first day I met him on october 14th he kissed me so hard, it was incredible, he then grabbed my throat and my hair and tugged my head aside to kiss and bit my neck. From this exact point I was gone. I was 100% hooked to this feeling. To him.
This continued for 3 more months, I let him cane me, tie me, hit me, spank me, I let him do anything he wanted with me even if I wasn’t in the mood. I submitted everything I had in me to him. including outside the bedroom.
This blog no longer fulfils its purpose therefore, I am referring it as dormant. As I do myself.
I am also partaking in celibacy from the BDSM life style as I am not strong enough to submit to anything or anybody again.
I wish to thank anybody who read this post, who messaged me, who complimented me and who has followed me from the beginning. I hope I feel ready to return soon but it just simply hurts too much for now.